Closets and Such

So, as part of their violence against women prevention/awareness week my college showed The Price of Pleasure a couple weeks ago.  The presentation was put on by the Women's Studies Advisory Committee, which is essentially code for my advisor who runs the Women's Studies program (I am a math major now, but I used to be a women's studies major and I did not change advisors).  There was a brief discussion (about 45 minutes to an hour) following the film.  I went into it expecting to be at least slightly annoyed, but I wasn't quite prepared for how angry and uncomfortable I became.

The thing is, most of my current social circle is fairly kink-friendly; I generally don't have to deal with any sort of real anti-kink attitudes in real life (online is a different story).  As a result I just wasn't prepared for people's reactions to the content of the film, particularly the more explicitly BDSM imagery.  The film in no way addresses the differences between consensually negotiated BDSM and actual violence/degradation, in fact it tends to conflate the two.  Essentially, in addition to being fairly explicitly anti-porn the film has a strong unstated anti-kink message as well.  

So I just sat there watching these people, some of whom I know fairly well and otherwise like, recoil in horror, shaking their heads in disgust as I silently fumed in the corner.  Fundamentally, it wasn't actually the disgust or the horror that really bothered me, I can at least somewhat understand that, it was the obvious sense of moral superiority that accompanied it; the room was filled with an overwhelming sense of distain.  My few attempts at addressing this were either ignored or treated with thinly veiled contempt.

I don't really know what to say about the experience.  It was extremely unpleasant, of course, but that wasn't really the worst part.  I left that discussion feeling ashamed, slightly dirty.  Some part of me really wishes that I had been brave enough to say what I was really thinking.  I wanted to stand up and point out that as wonderful as all their theory was this was my real life they were talking about.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to tell them that it wasn't porn, it was ideas like theirs that had seeped into my unconscious to warp and poison my sexuality.  I wanted to tell them how hard I had to fight to find myself again.  Most of all I wanted to point out exactly how dangerous their words could be.

But I didn't.  I didn't say much of anything once it became obvious that they wouldn't listen.  I chose self-preservation over truth, and while I know that choice was the right one, I still couldn't help feeling slightly bad about it.

Grrrr...

I had forgotten what it feels like to sit in a room full of people and watch them recoil in disgust at a sexuality that looks like mine.  The implication that I am disgusting and broken by patriarchy stings much more in real life, particularly when it comes from people I otherwise like and respect.

More on that later.

Relationship Blues

Lately, Giant and I have been having this problem.  Basically, I'm just not really feeling like I'm getting enough out of our sex/play.  We are both very busy and we live with an older couple who are not incredibly kink friendly, so part of it is just a lack of available time and space.  

I feel a bit like I'm being unreasonable, but I can't help it.  The thing is, he generally just has an easier time of it than I do for several reasons.  He's much better at masturbating than I am; I mean, it's a more satisfying activity for him than it is for me.  It's not that I can't, or that I don't orgasm, it's just that the orgasms I have from masturbating usually just aren't as good as they are with a partner.

He also tends to be more satisfied with vanilla sex than I am, which is unfortunate because it tends to be easier to arrange.  It's much simpler to find time (and space) for a plain old quickie than it is to break out the rope and whatever else (plus, vanilla tends to be a bit quieter).  

I get all of that, I really do.  The logical part of my brain completely understands that it's mostly a matter of convenience.  But there's this other completely irrational part of me that feels fundamentally hurt by the situation as it stands right now.  I feel unloved, neglected; I feel like he doesn't care that I'm not happy.  Which is ridiculous, he does care and I know that - but I can't help feeling like he doesn't.

This all came to a head tonight.  The housemates are out of town for tonight only, by the time we get home tomorrow they will most likely be back.  So I had really hoped that we would get to have some real serious fun time to make up for the recent lack, and we did fool around a little earlier.  He went up to bed about ten minutes before me, but the light was still on as I headed upstairs.  When I got there he put away the computer, turned off the light and promptly rolled over to sleep.

And I just started to cry.  I couldn't help it, I had too much energy built up inside me with nowhere to go.  I felt like I was going to explode, like I was about to burst out of my skin.  So I cried, and then we talked.  He asked what he could do to make me feel more like he cares about me, we brainstormed some ideas.  I guess we'll see how it goes.

Facebook Silliness

This would probably piss me off if it wasn't so completely ridiculous.  As it is, it mostly just makes me laugh.

"It teaches them that the only way they can be powerful is by merging with their all-powerful, god-like dom."  

Ha, ha, ha... All-powerful?  God-like?!  I love Giant to death, but no one who has ever met him would possibly define him as all-powerful or god-like.  Quiet, shy, kind - sure, but god-like is just silly.  Actually, most people tend to think I'm the dom (not quite sure what that means, but I suspect it says more about them than us).

I feel like I should have something significant to say, but it really is just to silly to take seriously.

Baseline

I'm back.  Not racing or flying or overflowing with inspiration, but not dragging myself through thick mud just to function either.  

It's a beautiful spring day and I'm perfectly content just to be.

Examining Desire (Part 3) - A Conversation

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