Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Relationship Blues

Lately, Giant and I have been having this problem.  Basically, I'm just not really feeling like I'm getting enough out of our sex/play.  We are both very busy and we live with an older couple who are not incredibly kink friendly, so part of it is just a lack of available time and space.  

I feel a bit like I'm being unreasonable, but I can't help it.  The thing is, he generally just has an easier time of it than I do for several reasons.  He's much better at masturbating than I am; I mean, it's a more satisfying activity for him than it is for me.  It's not that I can't, or that I don't orgasm, it's just that the orgasms I have from masturbating usually just aren't as good as they are with a partner.

He also tends to be more satisfied with vanilla sex than I am, which is unfortunate because it tends to be easier to arrange.  It's much simpler to find time (and space) for a plain old quickie than it is to break out the rope and whatever else (plus, vanilla tends to be a bit quieter).  

I get all of that, I really do.  The logical part of my brain completely understands that it's mostly a matter of convenience.  But there's this other completely irrational part of me that feels fundamentally hurt by the situation as it stands right now.  I feel unloved, neglected; I feel like he doesn't care that I'm not happy.  Which is ridiculous, he does care and I know that - but I can't help feeling like he doesn't.

This all came to a head tonight.  The housemates are out of town for tonight only, by the time we get home tomorrow they will most likely be back.  So I had really hoped that we would get to have some real serious fun time to make up for the recent lack, and we did fool around a little earlier.  He went up to bed about ten minutes before me, but the light was still on as I headed upstairs.  When I got there he put away the computer, turned off the light and promptly rolled over to sleep.

And I just started to cry.  I couldn't help it, I had too much energy built up inside me with nowhere to go.  I felt like I was going to explode, like I was about to burst out of my skin.  So I cried, and then we talked.  He asked what he could do to make me feel more like he cares about me, we brainstormed some ideas.  I guess we'll see how it goes.


  1. This is really hard stuff, and I don't know how to deal with the equivalents in my relationship either.

  2. Yeah, I think most people have to deal with some version of this at some point. Like I said, we talked a lot about it last night so hopefully that will prove productive.

    Part of the problem is that I know that we have the potential to be amazing and have it be completely satisfying. It just hasn't really been happening lately.

  3. Just about everyone is better at masturbating than I am; I find it tedious, because it doesn't feel like there's any point to it. I am a way outlier on the masturbation spectrum. :P

    My liege and I had some issues recently that there just wasn't any *time* for the sort of serious in-depth d/s that feeds my needs; we could do quickie d/s, but not the sort of blown-open altered consciousness that's my locus of kink. So I was feeling less and less sexual with him, overall, because it felt out of balance. We talked about it, have had a few minor (but still much, much more than otherwise) interludes where my kink was centered, and everything is much better now.

    Balance must be maintained.

  4. Out of balance is definitely a good way to describe it. It's not that we've only been doing vanilla, it's just been sort of "kink-lite" and I need something a bit deeper.

    I'm fairly confident we'll be able to work it out easily enough. It's supposed to be beautiful this weekend so maybe we can find a nice secluded outdoor spot and spend some quality time together.

  5. I hear you on the masturbation comment. I have so many more/higher quality orgasms with my partner than solo.

  6. I struggle with this *all the time*. Your description of wanting, even expecting a hot scene/sex and then breaking down in tears when denied that really resonated with me...

    What makes it especially challenging -- at least for me -- is the fact that women in our culture are largely led to believe that they aren't supposed to desire sex more than their male partners. It's reinforced everywhere: on the one hand, we have the derision of women with active sex drives as "sluts" and "nymphos," and on the other, the pop culture tropes of women not really liking sex much, feigning headaches, preferring chocolate to sex, withholding sex to get what they want, etc. Something I've been thinking about, anyway...

  7. Hmm... yeah I think the cultural "men always want sex, all women are frigid/nymphos" message definitely makes it harder to deal with a male partner not always wanting sex (which is obviously silly).

    Luckily things have been going a lot better since I wrote this. Even when we don't have lots of time (it is finals wee, after all) he's been doing a much better job of making me feel more appreciated (? I don't feel like that's quite the right word, but whatever).