Now that we've gotten over that little hurdle, please stop generalizing your experiences. I'm sorry you dated that asshole, I really am. Just because you had a shitty boyfriend who told you that what he wanted was "kinky" when really he was just an asshole does not mean that all female submissives actually just don't realize that we are in shitty relationships. In the same way that I don't submit because porn told me to, I also don't submit because I think that boys should be the boss in bed (doesn't really explain why I also submit to women, does it?) or because men will like it if I am submissive. I wasn't coerced by my boyfriend to act out his misogynistic fantasies, it was my idea.
While it may be true that it is socially acceptable to play with furry handcuffs or get spanked by your boyfriend trust me when I say that what I'm into is not. It's not just normal gender roles acted out on an extreme scale either. Odds are I might agree with your opinion of why gender roles suck. I tend to think they do - particularly when they are just taken for granted, unexamined so to speak. That's probably why I tend to get pissed off when you ask me to examine how my desires relate to traditional gender roles and patriarchy. I have, they don't. Part of growing up thinking that there is something horribly wrong with you is trying to figure out why you're so messed up.
Maybe now that we've gotten all those assumptions out of the way we might be able to have some sort of meaningful discussion. I sincerely hope we can.