Actually, I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. As long as I have been aware of my sexuality, I have known that it is inextricably linked to things that I was supposed to find distasteful, disgusting, or frightening. The first real sexual fantasy I ever had was of being tied down and forced to orgasm. I was less than 10 years old, ashamed, and terrified that there was something horribly wrong with me. Before that, before I even recognized it as sexual, it was still there. I remember when I was five or six one of the local boys wanted to practice his knots (for Boy Scouts, I think) by tying someone to a chair, I eagerly volunteered. I didn't think of it as sexual, I didn't know yet what sexual was really, I just knew it made me feel good.
It’s not that this is the only aspect of my sexuality, it’s not, but it is a very large and fundamentally important part. There are plenty of aspects of vanilla sex that do appeal to me, and that I thoroughly enjoy, but they are certainly not my primary interest. To be sure, I could spend a lifetime without engaging in any sort of kinky behavior, but I would be unfulfilled — fundamentally unhappy. Believe me, I've tried it, I know.
Part of what appeals to me is the lack of control. This doesn’t mean that I want to avoid making my own decisions or don’t want to be a responsible adult. When I say that I don’t want to be in control what I really mean is that I want to let go of my perfectionism, of all the uptight bullshit that is always happening in my head. I also mean sensation － I have a lot of trouble really letting go and just feeling things. If I’m not “in charge” of a situation, it’s much easier to push past that and feel. I mean really feel, to the fullest extent possible and then some; I want to be overwhelmed with sensation.