I said “I want to lose myself in you, in this.” Is that what frightens people? Because I wish it didn’t. I wish there weren’t people out there who are afraid of that desire, protective in a way that I do not need. I think that they are afraid that the loss is a bad thing, or that I won’t be able to find myself again. Maybe the problem is in the language.
What do I mean when I say I want to lose myself? I think this is the crux of the issue. I mean I want to lose the neurotic perfectionism that hounds me. I want to lose my fear that I am not enough, I want to lose the painful memories that live at the edges of every moment. I want to “shuffle off this mortal coil,” but only temporarily. But is that really losing “myself?” When I have cast off all the external trappings of my daily life, what is left?
All those things that make me who I am － my brilliance, my insecurity, my past, my hopes and fears for the future － when they are gone what is left? Only here and now and what is happening in this moment. I wish I could find the words to explain how this feels, but I don’t. Maybe language is too much a part of this external self, too closely tied to what I want to let go. Maybe that is why it is hard from me to put it into words. The closest I can come is this: I do not want to lose myself because I am running or hiding from something. And I am not lost forever, I will always come back. But when I am there, when I am gone I am also coming home. I lose myself so I can find myself.
One of the things that I tend to do is collect music that applies to various ... states of mind, meanings, gods, whatever. I've been considering putting together a submission playlist (since my 'sex' playlist wound up being all weirdly d/s from a dominant side).
ReplyDeleteOne of the songs that would go on such a list is 'Deep as you Go':
Deep as you go I'll follow
Deep as the water goes ...
[...]
Far as you want to take me
Far as your eyes can see
Leave the world alone in the sky
You and I go free
You and I are free
Dont save me
Dont lose me
Dont wake me now
You let me
You release me
Let me drown
Take me down
Which is a long-winded way of saying "I know what you mean", I suspect.
Yeah, it's just really hard to put into words. I tend to lose most of my verbal ability when I get too deep inside myself, if that makes sense. It makes it incredibly difficult to explain, particularly to people who start off with negative assumptions about it. Based on some of your writing I suspect you do have an idea of what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI'd also be pretty interested to see what you put on that list if you ever get around to making it and feel like sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm also prone to nonverbality. It's one of the reasons my liege and I don't bother with a safeword; if I ever needed it, I'd likely be incapable of using it, so it's a false security.
ReplyDeleteI'll probably make a post if I ever get anywhere with it. :}